If you ask a roomful of people, especially leaders, “How many of you have ever had training to help you listen?” Usually only a few hands will go up. Those who have majored in counseling or communication are generally the only ones who have had any training in listening. Many have had speaking, teaching, or preaching classes, but few have any instruction in listening, reflecting and asking. Yet, communication at its very best, involves listening.
“The one who gives an answer before he listens—this is foolishness…” (Proverbs 18:13). In his book, The 8thHabit, Stephen Covey identifies five levels of listening: Ignoring, Pretend (patronizing) Selective listening, Attentive listening and Empathetic listening. Developing your listening skills to level five is a carefully honed skill. But we can all start with the attitude needed—caring for others. The oft-used axiom is the start line, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” When others know you care, they are much more willing to listen to what you have to say and give, when its your turn to talk.
When I train Community Chaplains, I teach that we should work toward listening 80% of the time and talking only 20% of the time in our interaction with someone. This is also a good rule-of-thumb in a coaching relationship. If you are leading a small group, speaking no more than 30% of the time is a good goal. In just an everyday conversation at work or in your home, have you ever just paused to be self-aware of whether you are monopolizing a conversation or attentively and empathetically listening to the other person? Try it today.
Here are four benefits of great listening:
Great listening lets people know they are respected and valued. This is true of children, spouses, co-workers, neighbors and strangers.
Great listeners “hold up a mirror” so others can see themselves. Listening has a great “reflecting” quality to it. Others have a chance to think out loud and see the facts more clearly—like wiping the shower steam off the bathroom mirror. Good reflection can bring reality, focus and clarity to help persons become better aware of what they are doing, or understanding their own identity.
Great listening helps provide accurate information. When we really listen, we are a whole lot less likely to jump to conclusions and move beyond making assumptions. We have a better chance of seeing the whole picture.
Great listening builds credibility. When people around you feel genuinely heard and even understood, they trust you a whole lot more.
There are a lot of other essentials for excellent listening. The verbal and non-verbal sides both need to be present. Asking the right kind of open-ended questions is an invaluable skill you can learn. Stay tuned. We’ll talk about those in future posts.
QUESTION: Any other benefits to listening you want to add? Share it below. Thanks!
As a leader for over three decades, I’ve learned that people tend to resist change. Some mildly resist. Some criticize it but then adjust. Some run from it. And some fight change with every ounce of their energy. From a leadership perspective, I’ve learned a few things about why people resist change.
Here’s some common reasons why folks struggle with change:
CONFUSION – As a leader, I’ve made the mistake of not giving people enough information about the change I’m asking them to make. When people understand what the change is about and the reasons behind the change, they often become less opposed and even supportive.
CONTROL – Resistance to change increases when folks feel like they are losing control. I have discovered that patient, honest, transparent conversations, while remaining firm with the change, can sometimes keep change critics from working against you, even if they still don’t agree with the change. And, then sometimes, you simply have to move forward without their support because some people always want to be in control.
CARE – Some reluctance to change comes out of others feeling the leader doesn’t care. I have seen that including people in the decision process, acknowledging and attempting to understand their concerns, along with good vision casting can alleviate some of these concerns. People don’t care about how much you know until they know how much you care.
CONFLICTED – There are people who object to change because they object to life. They have been wounded deeply and they continue to live in such pain that any additional change shakes their world disproportionately to others experiencing the same adjustment.
COMFORT – This is probably the most common reason for opposition to change. It’s uncomfortable. We just don’t like it. And truthfully, we all resist change at some level. Resistance to change is relative to the size of the change. Of course, our life experiences, our wiring, and our personalities all contribute to how we adjust to both slight variations and radical transformations.
So, if you are facing some change right now and you find yourself resisting, take a look at these five words and see if you can identify which one is the predominant reason? If you are a leader and you find others around you resisting change, how might you adjust your presentation of change so others around you might respond more positively?
QUESTION: What additional reasons would you add as to why people resist change? Please share them in the comment area below.
Many mountain climbers have lost their lives on the Swiss Matterhorn and are buried nearby in what has become known as the “Climbers Cemetery” outside the small town of Zermatt, Switzerland. The fascinating thing that I learned recently was a study by a historian that revealed two-thirds of the climbers in this graveyard made it to the Matterhorn peak, but died on the way back down. They started strong but could not finish, mainly because they were not adequately prepared.
All of us are susceptible to this same danger. Most of us aren’t Swiss alpine climbers. But in every day life, it can be easy to go full out in the beginning, but it’s much harder to finish well. Finishing well takes a lot intentionality.
When people hit their 40’s and 50’s, birthday cards and people say, “It’s all downhill from here.” The reality is, none of us know until the very end where the actual half-way point was. It’s even a little difficult to tell when we’ve reached the peak and are heading down the other side. Regardless of when the “second half” of your life begins, there’s no real reason that I can see that anyone should fail to live with enthusiasm, resolve and passion.
Here are a three things I’m learning about making the second half count:
Fine-tune your Purpose – Young people tend to invest a lot of energy in getting ahead and establishing themselves in their careers and growing their families. Sometimes they forget to consider planning for the future when there will be an empty nest and a loss or change in professional focus. If you don’t have a clear written mission or purpose statement, write one. If you wrote one earlier in your life like I did, consider rewriting it.
Seize the Day – Just go for it. Make the most of life. Take some classes. Teach a class. Volunteer. Mentor a young person. Get involved with your kids or grandkids. Put the wealth of wisdom you have to good use. Give generously of your time, talent, and treasure. Don’t wait for meaning to come to you. Seize the moment and grab the opportunities you have.
Stay in Performance Mode – Don’t slide into maintenance mode. Be careful of letting your guard down because “all the hard work has already been done.” That’s how people die when coming down the mountain. Instead, keep climbing. Fight for your wife’s love like never before. Get to know your kids even if they have already left your home. Hone your skills and learn new ones. Continue to push the envelope. Try something new. Go after God like you’ve never done before. Finish in a sprint. Keep on climbing.
QUESTION: What have you learned about staying sharp and fresh? Please share in the Comment section. Thanks.
The day before a recent trip from Florida to Oregon, I saw a local news blurb about a doctor who was arrested at our home airport for causing a disturbance. Evidently, she was screaming and cursing at the airline ticket agents, refusing to calm down and leave the area when the airport police arrived. Instead, she began to take videos and photos of the airline staff while continuing to loudlly berate them. Repeatedly ignoring police commands, the doctor was put in handcuffs and arrested for trespassing and resisting without violence.
I’m not sure if the above story came out of a sense of entitlement because of her profession or if she was just having one of those days that went from bad to worse—a cancelled flight that deteriorated into the sound of a jail cell door clanging behind her. But, it made me think about all the blessings and privileges I have and yet how ungrateful and unthoughtful I can be sometimes.
I was taken back in my mind to God’s call to the Father of all Jews—Abraham. Genesis 12:2-3 records God’s promise and challenge to Abraham, “I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.” We are all blessed with time, talent and treasure to be a blessing to others.
When I flew to Oregon the next day I made a decision to be a blessing. I chose to seek out the lowliest and least appreciated person in all of the airports I travelled through. I blessed every attendant I encountered in the Fort Myers, Charlotte, Phoenix and Portland airport restrooms. I made eye contact with each one of them and smiled. I thanked them for their hard work. I complimented them on the great job they did keeping the floors, the sinks and the toilets clean. One of them had a tip jar on the countertop next to the mints he provided so I handed him a five-dollar bill and blessed him with encouraging words.
I had a blast the whole thirteen hour trip through four airports as I eagerly looked for the guy with the mop or toilet paper in hand. It was so much fun to be a blessing, to see the grins and hear the startled “thank you” from guys rarely appreciated. It’s a blessing to be a blessing. We have been blessed to be a blessing. Why not make a special effort today to bless someone with your words, your smile or your unexpected actions? It will make you smile from the inside out!
QUESTION: Would you share a similar experience of how you blessed someone recently? Use the Comment section below. Thanks!
Whether you are a marathon runner, a sprinter, a swimmer, a basketball player or any other athlete, you know the importance of finishing well. Winning or losing often comes down to the last hundred yards, the final hundredth of a second, one last free-throw or the ball going through the uprights. All of us have cheered or groaned as the clock ran out based on how our favorite athlete or team finished.
I was recently inspired by Reggie McNeal. He was writing about leaders who showed great promise but failed to live up to the their potential. There’s the obvious flame-outs—derailments due to character issues, moral failures and bad decisions. But two finish-line obstacles caught my attention.
Burn-outs and stale-outs are additional ways people falter before reaching the end zone. In fact, I think these two “outs” claim about as many victims as flame-outs. Stalled and disrupted lives show up in lots of different ways. Let me share three things Reggie mentioned what I’ve been learning for myself and observing in others over the years. It’s focused on the fine art of finishing well.
Keep Learning – We have to practice lifelong learning and unlearning. None of us can afford to become stagnant if we plan to finish well. We will likely have to unlearn some things in order to make room for other things we absolutely need to know. For example, we may need to unlearn self-sabotaging behaviors, the less-than-positive way we see ourselves or past behaviors that have compromised our effectiveness. If you aren’t learning, you aren’t growing. If you aren’t regularly reading new material, stretching your mind and hanging around people more knowledgeable than you are, you will stagnate.
Are you planning anything that pushes you beyond your comfort zone? Are you rubbing shoulders with growing people? Are you regularly trying something new (experiences, food, places, technology)? Are you learning from disciplines outside your own educational or career background? Is there anything fresh and new going on in your life?
Keep Managing Yourself – Self-management is an essential ingredient to finishing well. The difficult management of self will include time management, money management or setting and keeping appropriate boundaries. Our health is important to finishing well. Are you paying attention to your body and getting adequate rest, nutrition and exercise? How about your spiritual health? Emotional health? (see Peter Drucker’s writing on Self-Managment)
Another big self-management arena is your relationships. Are you making sure your people skills are continuing to grow? How are things with your most important relationships—your family? Are you nurturing relationships with friends, mentors, and confidants? Are you mentoring anyone a generation or two below you?
Keep Singing Your Song – “Know your tune” writes Reggie McNeal. Make sure others around you know how they can contribute to the music. Discover and focus on the harmonies and lyrics that fit you best. Make sure you know the sweet spot where your 3 Critical C’s (Core, Capacity and Context) overlap (see Halftime for additional resources). Keep practicing your song until you can’t get it out of your mind.
QUESTION: What would you add to the principles of finishing well? Share it below.
A couple years ago someone pointed out to me that a survey of the top 100 leaders in the Bible showed that only one-third of them finished well. The other two-thirds finished poorly. When I look around me, I think I see just a little better stats than that but I’ve seen a lot of prominent leaders in business, politics and ministry, leave a mess in their wake. It happens way too often.
A ministry leader I respect, Ed Stetzer, recently wrote a blog on the “Five Reasons Leaders Finish Poorly.” The blog was focused on older ministry and movement leaders who are nearing the end of their public leadership. His reasons included not trusting younger leaders, fighting over unimportant things, identities too connected to productivities, getting angrier as they grow older and not letting go of the baton to younger leaders. I’ve noticed commonalities as I reflect on the leaders I’ve seen crash and burn.
But this post is about only one sobering leadership principle that we must grasp if we want to avoid finishing poorly. It has to do with your public life and your private life. They are inseparable. You can try to manage two identities. It won’t work. It might for a time, but not for long. You’ll be discovered. Your personal junk will impact your professional world—eventually. This is the one most common reason that leaders finish poorly.
Here’s my suggestion: It’s better to protect your public life by improving your private life. And, it’s better to do it now rather than later.
QUESTION: What additional reasons do you see as to why leaders finish poorly? Thank you for noting them in the Comment section.
Last month when my wife and I were driving through the little one-stoplight-town of Lafayette, Oregon, we started chuckling. We were both remembering the time a few years ago when we parked along Main Street in Lafayette to meander through some antique shops. We came back to our rental car and tried to put the key in the door. It wouldn’t go in the lock.
As I kept trying to turn the key in different directions to get it in the lock, I grumbled and complained. The key looked a bit bent, so I tried to straighten it. I gave my wife the key and she tried to unlock the door. Growing more and more frustrated about what might have happened to this crazy rental key or the key lock on the car, my wife looked through the window of the car and couldn’t believe her eyes. All the stuff inside the car didn’t match anything we owned. It was the wrong car!!
Right key, wrong car. Another car of the same make, model and color had been parked one or two spaces from ours. We were trying to get into the wrong car. We looked around to see who might be watching and then laughed at ourselves as we easily opened the right car.
I’ve thought about that faux pas many times since. I’ve met a lot of folks who live their lives trying to put the key in the wrong door. They get so absorbed with some small aspect of a situation and totally fail to step back and survey the entire situation—like just looking at the obvious interior elements of the car that were visible all along.
Some of my favorite quotes include:
“I’m like the painter with his nose to the canvas, fussing over details. Gazing from a distance, the reader sees the big picture.” –Steven Saylor
“In order to properly understand the big picture, everyone should fear becoming mentally clouded and obsessed with one small section of truth.” – Xun Zi
Sure, sometimes we really need to center on the details. Yet, many times we can get so wrapped up in those little things that we totally miss the big picture. It can happen in a marriage. It can happen at work. It can happen when we raise children—focusing on small behaviors instead of looking at the tone of the heart. We always need to keep the end in mind. Never get so engrossed in the particulars that you forget the purpose of the key—to start the car and take you to your destination.
QUESTION: What minutia do you need to let go of in your life? Please share below.
One of the commonly agreed upon “best” ads during the 2013 Super Bowl was the “So God Made a Farmer” commercial by Dodge Ram. It was the longest commercial (2 min.) and subsequently the most expensive since a 30-second spot was going upward of $4 million this year. The ad was a masterful blend of nostalgia and feel-good country heroism narrated by radio legend Paul Harvey. If you missed it or want to see it again, you can watch it right here.
Dennis during his Oregon farm days
The “Farmer” commercial brought out the farmer in me. I realized in a renewed way that so much of who I am is clearly shaped by my background and upbringing. Of course, that is true of all of us. I was raised on an Oregon grass seed farm. We raised mostly lawn and golf course seeds during the peak of my involvement. My dad had a dairy until I was six and then we had at least one cow to milk until I went to high school. So, I have a pretty good feel for many of the common aspects of farming: crops, animals, driving and repairing equipment, seeding and harvest.
As I reflected on what the commercial triggered in me about my own experience growing up in a multi-generational farm family (my grandparents on both sides were also farmers), allow me to share some things I’ve learned from my farmer parents and about the farmer in me. The farmer in me has helped me succeed as a pastor–especially the last quarter of a century starting and growing a thriving church.
Discipline – I was taught how to work hard and to work long hours if needed. If you needed to get up early or stay up late, you did what ever was needed to get things done.
Selfless – My dad and mom showed me how to attend to the needs of others (animals, neighbors, etc.) above my own needs.
Competent – My dad knew his trade well. He was one of the very best farmers in the community. He even won a state-wide “Wheat Farmer of the Year” award. He could repair equipment. He designed and built farm implements and truck beds. He taught me to do everything with excellence.
Compassion – I learned to be attuned to my surroundings. To care for the land and to be compassionate toward birds, wildlife, and farm animals was the norm.
Character – I learned to keep my eye on the goal (usually a tree or a fence post) at the other end of the field so I could plow straight. I was taught to never cut corners. My parents taught me that the harder right way was always better than the easier wrong way.
The commercial concludes with, “To the farmer in all of us.” The ad not only made us think but it also made us feel. And in the end process of something as trivial as a Super Bowl commercial, it reminded us of important characteristics we should all desire to imitate. Regardless of your roots, may each of us live a little more like a farmer today.
QUESTION: What was your favorite Super Bowl commercial? Share it below.
As I write this post while watching the Super Bowl, everything is about success. Which of the Harbaugh brother coaches will be successful, Jim or John? Which team will be a success, Ravens or 49ers? Which commercials will be most successful? Will the Halftime Show be a success? By the time you read this, you will have made up your mind about what or who was or wasn’t successful.
Awhile back, I was asked by a young leader at our church, “When you look back over your life, to what would you attribute your success?” Since one of my missions in life is to help young leaders succeed, I really do try to answer such questions. While I’m still a work in progress, I am more than midway through my life and career so I can definitely point to some things that have helped me to succeed.
Here are several things I attribute my success to:
God’s grace – I can’t claim anything all that special about me. By birth, an Oregon farm boy. Really, I do not deserve the favor I have found. His grace has been amazing in my life. It’s really all about His grace and the opportunity we all have to receive it and flow in it.
Other People – A lot of people invested in me over the years. My parents. My high school principal. College professors. Pastors. Friends. Church Board members. Teammates. And, definitely, my wife. I’ve had lots of people in my corner over the years.
Purpose – I’ve generally known what I ultimately wanted to accomplish. I believe you hit a lot more targets when you have them in your sight. Sometimes it has been a few months or a few years down the road, but I’ve most always tried to keep some clear direction and purpose in front of me…as much as God will allow me to see at the time.
Intentionality – I have been very intentional about my life. After high school, I steadily pursued getting my education to prepare for ministry for seven solid years. I chased every opportunity I could find to learn more about what it would take to launch a fruitful church. And, in all other areas of life, I’ve been very intentional to stay balanced and healthy.
Perseverance – I’ve encountered plenty of storms and obstacles in my journey. By God’s grace, I have repeatedly refocused, learned valuable life lessons and continued to move forward.
Sacrifice – Success always has a cost. I’ve lost friends because I had to make tough decisions to live out my mission. I’ve let go of power, financial reward and position to see others lifted up.
Invest in Others – I’m committed to invest in next-generation leaders. I genuinely love helping other people succeed. That’s the purpose of this blog. My investment in others has always returned to me in multiplied abundance. They make me look even more successful.
QUESTION: How would you answer that question? Please share in the Comment section below.
One of my favorite bloggers, Ron Edmondson, had a title the other day that caught my attention, “Frustration Turned to Excellence.” Wow! I don’t usually use the words frustration and excellence in the same sentence. Not sure about you, but frustration is something I’m allergic to. I avoid it whenever possible. But really, I’ve been in leadership long enough to know that it comes with the job.
Edmonson goes on to say we can make a choice about our responses when we are faced with frustration. We can put our head down and get stuck in the muck and mess of our situation. We can point fingers and criticize our teammates for their failures. We can get all stressed out and threaten to throw in the towel.
Or, there is another possible response to frustration. We can harness the power of the frustration and turn it into something good. Instead of anger, we can analyze. Why did that situation turn bad? Was it a systems problem that needs fixing? Were there breakdowns in our communication that need to be corrected for the future?
Instead of criticizing our work mates or family members in our frustration, what if we carefully coach them to see the opportunities for improvement? How about brainstorming solutions to the problems to see if you might discover some game-changer that will make an incredible difference in the future? You could actually discover a super leader hidden among your team if you give them a chance to problem-solve.
Depending how you respond to your frustration, you might just break through to a whole new level of performance and excellence. Frustration could actually be a gift. It has the potential to push you forward at an accelerated pace. It all depends on how you handle it. You will never eliminate all frustration in your life but you can choose to see it as a gift and use it as fuel for positive change.
QUESTION: Do you have a story of when frustration became a gift? Share it in the Comment section.
